CANNIBALS

Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.  The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."  The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.  The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.  The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"  The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

BAD MOUTH

A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing." 

The four year old nodded his head in approval. 

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm. 

The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some POTATOES." 

WHACK!,THE MOTHER HIT HIM. He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" 

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be POTATOES."

THE HORSE CALLED

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. 

"What was that for?" he asked. 

"That was for the piece of paper in your TROUSER pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. 

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. 

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." 

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" 

She replied, "Your horse called.

PRODUCTIVE SALES MAN

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. 
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on 
productive salesmanship. 

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," 
she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the 
customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious 
success." 

"Very good," said the teacher. 

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and 
I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of 
current events." 

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher. 

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. 

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped 
a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said. 

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" 
"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. 
"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell 
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" 
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a 
Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. 
They all said the same thing. 
Hey, this tastes like shit! 
Then I would say, " It is shit." 
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

LITTLE JOHNNY AT SCHOOL

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are  hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to  blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."  Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as  he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His  mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."  Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and  greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands  him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."  Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees  the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the  whole truth.the man,remembering that little johhny was his son" The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and  says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!".

THE RICH PEOPLES PARTY

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. 

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing." 

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it! 

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give it to me , Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me into that pool."