A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a ELECTRICIAN. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your Bickering. I'm going to the bar!"
So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or COOK him a MEAL."
"So, what kind of FOOD did you COOK him?" asks the husband.
"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see COOKS logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
Saturday, November 29, 2008
AT THE GATES
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 3 minutes ago", replied the man
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 3 minutes ago", replied the man
LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES AGAIN
One day there was this little girl who always wore a dress to school. Every day she would sit on the bench and cry. Finally Little Johnny asked her why she was crying. She replied "I don't have any money for potato chips." Johnny said "I'll give you money if you climb that tree over there." "Okay!" said the little girl. So she climbed the tree with a lot of little boys around her. She got down and he gave her money. This kept continuing for several days. Her mother got suspicious and asked her "Where do you get the money for these potato chips?" The little girl replied "From the boys at school. They give me money if I climb the tree." "Don't do that honey! All the boys want to do is look up your skirt and see your underwear." The next day the little girl cried again and Johnny gave her money for climbing the tree. This time there was a bigger crowd than usual. When the little girl came home she had a bag of potato chips. The mother said "Honey! I told you not to climb up the tree! The boys only want to look at your underwear." The little girl said "Don't worry mommy! I didn't wear any underwear today!"  |
BLACK KID
A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy go show your Daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His Daddy slaps him on the face too and says "Boy, go show your grandmother."
"Look Granny, I'm a white boy." She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "Well did you learn something from all this?"
The boy shakes his head and says " I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you f**king black people."
The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His Daddy slaps him on the face too and says "Boy, go show your grandmother."
"Look Granny, I'm a white boy." She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "Well did you learn something from all this?"
The boy shakes his head and says " I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you f**king black people."
THE PARROT
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought
to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make
the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot
is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a
great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this
or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her
all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down, "
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought
to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make
the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot
is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a
great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this
or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her
all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down, "
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
TEACHER JOKES
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.?
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get out of here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep
their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW.
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.?
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get out of here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep
their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW.
LITTLE JOHNNY 1
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as
he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands
him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees
the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the
whole truth.the man,remembering that little johhny was his son" The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and
says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!".
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as
he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands
him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees
the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the
whole truth.the man,remembering that little johhny was his son" The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and
says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!".
THE RICH MENS PARTY
There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.
Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."
Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it!
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give it to me , Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me into that pool."
Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."
Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it!
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give it to me , Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me into that pool."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
